


The Things I Said

by bellamysbiceps



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 21:15:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8638366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellamysbiceps/pseuds/bellamysbiceps
Summary: She can't stand the way she hates him yet loves him at the same time. 
Or, the steps Bellamy and Octavia take to reconcile.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So I started writing this as soon as season 3 ended and it's literally taken this long to finish it. I'm not sure if this makes any sense but I have a lot of free time and a lot of feelings about the Blake siblings so this is the product of that. This isn't proofread either lol so it might have a lot of errors. 
> 
> This takes place at the end of season 3 and basically everything is the same except that 'the world is gonna end again' thing is not a problem in this fic. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy, but I'm trash so yeah.

1\. 

She kills Pike without doubting herself. 

She does it without even blinking, and she can’t ignore the feeling of satisfaction that fills her chest when she realizes that she’s finally getting revenge for Lincoln’s death. 

She spots Bellamy and Clarke from the corner of her eye, Clarke worried and Bellamy in disbelief. She leaves Pike on the floor, and walks out with her head held high. She feels Bellamy’s eyes on her, but ignores it as she walks out and into an empty room. 

 

2\. 

They journey back to Arkadia two days later.

Abby and Kane decide to take the wounded and children to Arkadia with the rovers, since they can’t walk the long distance. Most everyone else rides on horses, and the ones in top condition walk. 

It takes Octavia a long time to decide whether or not she should go with them. Her job is done. She got revenge for Lincoln, and she can leave knowing that her friends are safe from ALIE. She has nothing to stay here for, and she really just wants to leave. 

She thinks back to Monty, Raven, Jasper, and Harper, who are waiting for them. She thinks back to what Monty said to her, and that he killed his own mom to save her. She thinks about Jasper, and that even though he looked like he was getting better, she doesn’t think he’ll be fully recovered for a while. 

Fine. 

She’ll just go and say her goodbyes to them, and then she’ll be on her way. 

She grabs her sword and starts walking towards Bryan and Miller, but before she can get to them, he stops in front of her. 

Her chest fills with anger. 

“Get out of my way,” She spits, glaring at him. 

He ignores her. “Are you going back to Arkadia?” 

She knows why he’s asking. If she says she isn’t, he’ll want to try and convince her to stay, and she really doesn’t think she can go through that without physically hurting him. She also doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking he actually convinced her, though, so she says, “That’s none of your business.” 

She tries to move around him, but he grabs her arm before she can leave. “O, of course it’s my business— “ 

She pulls her arm from his grip angrily. “Don’t touch me.” 

With that, she walks away and catches up with Bryan and Miller before they can get too far. They look at her with pity, but she ignores their gaze. 

 

3.

“Octavia, what do you mean you’re leaving?” Raven demands, Jasper and Monty standing behind her, hurt. 

It’s only been two weeks since they returned from Polis. Octavia said she would stay for longer, but she really can’t. She can’t walk through the halls without thinking about Lincoln, she can’t go to her room without crying about Lincoln, and she can’t see him and Clarke without getting incredibly angry. 

Octavia shrugs. “I just can’t be here anymore.” 

Monty looks like he wants to punch something. “Octavia, you can’t be serious.” 

Octavia breathes in deeply. “I’m sorry, Monty, but I don’t fit in here. I’m angry all the time, everything reminds me of Lincoln—I just want to get out of here.” 

Jasper and Monty share a look. “Fine,” Jasper says, “Pull a Clarke and get out of here. But don’t expect us to help you at all if you ever come back.” 

He walks off, and Monty shares one last look with her before he follows Jasper. 

She looks at Raven. “I’m sorry, Raven.”

Raven gives her a determined stare. “I get that you’re grieving and you really think that you don’t fit in here, but we’ve told you many times—you fit in with the 100.” 

“Raven— “ 

“No, I’m not done,” She interrupts. “I get that you’re also holding a grudge with Bellamy, and that’s one of the main reasons why you’re leaving, but Octavia, he’s your brother. Everything he has done has been for you. He loves you more than anyone. Sure, he fucked up, but who hasn’t? You can’t be mad at him forever.” 

She’s angry again. “Watch me, Raven. He doesn’t deserve to be my brother anymore.” 

Raven honestly looks disappointed, but she doesn’t argue. “Fine. If you’re not going to stay for him, stay for us. We’ve already lost too many—we don’t want to lose another.” 

She looks away from Raven’s hopeful gaze, considering. She doesn’t have to stay forever, right? Just until they’ve healed. Then she’ll leave. 

She sighs. “Fine. I’ll stay.” 

Raven grins, and gives her a hug. “Great. That’s a start. Now get your ass out of my work   
station.” 

 

 

4\. 

It takes her a while to get used to a semi normal life again. 

The Grounders decided between themselves whether or not they wanted to stay in Arkadia, and while most of them went back to their clans, some stayed. Abby and Kane put her in charge of helping them settle in, since she knows the language best and she makes them more comfortable. She spends a lot of her time with them, but once she's done for the day, she heads over to the bar, where Raven, Monty, and Jasper are usually already there waiting for her. She actually likes spending time with them, and she feels like she made the right choice of staying when she’s with them. 

She sees him more often than she’d like, but there’s not really much she can do. He’s a major leader in the council, and since she deals with Grounder situations, they always have to go to the weekly meetings. 

Clarke is there, too, and she always tries to talk to her when the meetings are over, but Octavia just has to glare at her in order for her to shut up. It always feels good to shut her up. 

After one particular meeting, Octavia is ready for Clarke to come and try to talk to her, but instead of Clarke, it’s him. 

“O,” He says. She turns in surprise, but composes her face into a glare. 

“What?” 

This is the first time in a month since she’s talked to him, and in their last conversation, only five words were exchanged. 

He looks more tired than last time. His dark brown eyes are filled with sadness, and he slouches forward. She thought he’d been getting better, but from the looks of him, he isn’t. 

Maybe he’s just had a bad day. 

Not that she cares. 

He clears his throat. “I need to know which of the Grounders are signing up for the guard. Training starts next week so I need a list of the new cadets.” 

She nods. “Yeah, I’ll get that to you as soon as I can.” 

He smiles, or tries to. “Thanks.” 

She starts walking away without bothering to say goodbye. Looking at him is making her angrier than she thought it would. 

“O,” He blurts, “I’m sorry.” 

She stops. She doesn’t turn around. 

“I don’t think I ever said it,” He continues. “I’m sorry.” 

She tries to hold back her tears. “Yeah, well. It’s a little late for that.” 

 

 

5\. 

Clarke bursts into her room two weeks later. 

“How long are you going to keep this up?” She asks, standing in front of her with her arms crossed. 

Octavia rolls her eyes. “What?” 

Clarke glares back. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. How long are you going to keep ignoring Bellamy?” 

“Until he brings Lincoln back,” She says, tearing up, anger rising quickly. 

Clarke’s face softens slightly. “Octavia, you know he can’t do that.” 

She wipes her eyes furiously. “Then I can’t forgive him.” 

“Octavia, you know that his death wasn’t Bellamy’s fault— “ 

She’s so fucking done with everyone’s bullshit. “How many times do I have to fucking say this? He joined Pike, he massacred an army that was sent to help us, he allowed Pike get power that eventually led to him killing Lincoln, and you just expect me to be okay with it all? He’s the reason why Lincoln is dead! I’m never going to forgive him, he doesn’t fucking deserve it, so you can stop nagging me about it because it’s pointless,” She screams, tears falling steadily. 

Clarke sighs. “Octavia, I know what you’re going through, okay? And it’s okay to grieve, but you have to understand that it wasn’t his fault. He tried to— “ 

Octavia turns around. “Clarke, just do me a favor and get the fuck out.” 

The door slams, and she cries. 

 

 

6.

“Hand me the wrench, please,” Raven says from under the rover. 

Octavia, who’s sitting on the floor next to her, grabs it from the tool box and places it in Raven’s hand. She gives a hum of thanks. 

This is a usual routine for them. Octavia likes to go to Raven whenever she feels tired or angry so that she can preoccupy her mind. Raven doesn’t mind the help, even though Octavia screws up from time to time. She figures that Raven understands why she’s here. 

“You going to Jasper and Monty’s party?” Raven says. She hits her arm on the rover, and grunts. 

Octavia frowns. “Did they invite him?” 

“They are friends, so I’m pretty sure they invited Bellamy,” Raven responds, handing her the wrench.

“Screwdriver,” She says. Octavia hands it to her. 

“Then I’m not going,” Octavia replies, pulling her knees to her chest. 

Raven sighs. There’s a clatter, and then she rolls out from under the rover. She wipes her hands with a rag, and turns to face her. 

“Octavia, this has to stop,” Raven says softly. Octavia sighs. 

“Raven, can we not do this right now?” 

“He asks about you all the time, you know,” She says, ignoring her request. “Every time he sees me, he asks. Asks how you’re doing, if you’re eating enough, if you’re sleeping enough. He still watches out for you. He still loves you, even after everything.” 

Octavia licks her lips. “I’m really tired of all these lectures.” 

Raven rolls her eyes. “Maybe you wouldn’t be so tired of them if you just gained perspective of his situation.” 

“Raven— “ 

“I’m serious, O. You’ve only been looking at this through your eyes and your thoughts. The reason why he went through that bad path is because he lost Gina. Just like how you lost Lincoln. He was in pain and grief and that’s how he dealt with it. I’m not saying he dealt with it in a good way, but he was suffering, just like you are now.” 

Octavia closes her eyes and takes in deep breathes. Raven touches her comfortingly on the shoulder. 

“You need to forgive him, O,” She whispers. 

Octavia looks right into Raven’s eyes. “I wasn’t the cause of Gina’s death. He was the cause of Lincoln’s.” 

With that, she pushes Raven’s hand away and leaves the room. 

 

 

7\. 

He’s sitting across the bar from her, eating an apple alone. 

The bags from under his eyes have reduced slightly. He looks less tired and stressed, and he doesn’t slouch forward like he used to. 

She doesn’t understand why that makes her glad instead of angry. 

She’s angry about not being angry, so in her anger, she storms up toward him and says,“You can’t ask about me anymore.” 

He looks at her in surprise. “What?” 

She glares at him. “You can’t ask Raven if I’m eating or sleeping enough. You’re not my brother anymore.” 

He bows his head. “O— “ 

“You lost the ability to care for me when you killed Lincoln,” She finishes, and then leaves the bar without saying another word. 

 

 

8\. 

She walks into the bar one day and sees him and Clarke, holding hands across the table and Clarke laughing at something he’s saying. He leans forward and kisses her, and she kisses back, and Octavia’s eyes widen in shock. 

She thinks, ‘Oh my god, why didn’t he tell me about this?’ She’s smiling, about to head over there to demand why he didn’t tell her, and—

And then she remembers why. 

She stops abruptly. 

‘He’s the reason why you’re not doing the same with Lincoln.’ 

She leaves the bar, head down, smile wiped off her face. 

She punches the wall in her room, tears in her eyes. 

 

 

9\. 

“Okay, anything else we need to address in this meeting?” Abby says, looking at the notes she wrote on the board. 

They’re at another weekly meeting, and Octavia sits in her chair, bored. She told them the information they needed at the beginning of the meeting, so she really just wants to get out of here. She doesn’t want to be in his presence for too long, because she can always feel his eyes on her. It makes her irritated. 

“I think we should take a trip to the sea,” Clarke says, and Kane looks at her questioningly. 

“Really? Why?” 

Clarke shares a look with him, and he smiles softly at her, as if encouraging her to continue. 

She can’t look at his smile for very long. 

Clarke looks back at Kane. “We’re pretty much at peace, for now at least, and we’ve been working hard. I think it’d be good for us and the rest of the 100 to take a small break and just relax and have fun for the first time in a while.” 

Abby and Kane share a look, and Octavia hopes they allow it. It’d be the first time leaving Arkadia since Polis, and she agrees that they need the break.

“How long would you stay there for?” Kane asks, turning back to Clarke. 

“Ten days.” 

Abby shakes her head. “No, that’s too long. We’ll give you 5 days.”

“One week,” Clarke counters. 

They stare at each other, Clarke determined and Abby hesitant. Clarke looks like she won’t back down. 

Abby sighs. “Fine. But only one week, don’t you dare stay longer.” 

Clarke grins triumphantly. “Don’t worry mom, we won’t.” 

Kane smiles. “Alright, meeting adjourned.” 

Octavia runs out of the room, excited to tell Raven, Monty, and Jasper the news.

She can still feel his eyes on her. 

 

 

10\. 

“This was actually a really good idea,” She says, sitting down next to Clarke on the sand. She looks up from her book, which Octavia knows is his’. 

It’s only been two days at sea, and already Clarke looks at peace and happy. 

Octavia understands the feeling. 

Clarke smiles softly. “Yeah, I thought so. I figured everyone needed a little break. I know I did, and Bellamy certainly did too.” 

Octavia looks at him across the beach, where he plays soccer with Miller, Jasper, and Raven. Monty and some of the other delinquents sit on the side, cheering and watching. 

Her heart tugs fondly at the sight of him grinning widely. 

She clears her throat, turns back to Clarke. She stares back, knowing look in her blue eyes. 

“Is he…he’s doing alright?” She asks, fiddling with the sand on her palms. She didn’t really want to ask her, but they both know that’s the reason why she sat down in the first place. 

“What do you think?” 

“I mean, he has you now. Obviously, he should be alright,” Octavia says. 

“And you suppose that I’m enough? That he doesn’t miss his sister?” Clarke responds, glancing towards him. 

Octavia glares at her. “Don’t do this.” 

Clarke stares back at her, calm. Unaffected. “Why not? You’re the one who asked if he’s alright. I’m not gonna lie for your benefit if he isn’t.” 

“Then don’t make it seem like I’m at fault here,” She replies, voice rising. She tries to calm herself, but it’s no use. “He’s the one who joined Pike, he’s the one who killed Lincoln— “ 

Clarke throws the book down on the ground, showing for the first time an ounce of emotion.

“Bellamy did not kill Lincoln, Octavia. Sure, he fucked up. But he went to you. He was going to help you. He didn’t want Lincoln to die, just like you. If you didn’t accept his help, that was your decision.”

Octavia snarls, anger at its peak. “Are you telling me it’s my fault that he’s dead?” 

Clarke shakes her head, emotions composed once more. “Of course not. But what I’m saying is that it wasn’t his either.” 

Octavia looks out at the sea. There’s a moment of tense silence, and she doesn’t understand why she hasn’t left yet. 

Finally, Clarke breaks the silence. “Octavia. Are you planning to hold this against him for the rest of your life?” 

Octavia licks her lips. She takes a deep breath before she responds. 

“I can’t forgive him. Not after everything.” 

Clarke nods, gets up with her book. She brushes the sand off her thighs. 

“Don’t forgive him then. Just know that you’ve done some wrong things too, and that I’m not enough to make him feel better again. He still needs you.” 

With that, she walks up to Bellamy, stopping the game. She pecks him on the mouth, and Octavia’s left with a sense of self hate that she’s never felt before. 

 

 

11\. 

Octavia’s not sure when she’ll reach her breaking point. It’s been a few weeks since their trip to the sea, but Clarke’s words still linger in her mind at all times. 

She finds herself lonelier than she used to be—all her friends are also friends with him, and while she knows they love her, they spend more time with him for reasons unknown. He does seem happier, but she knows him so well that she can still see stress and loss and tiredness in his eyes. 

She can’t stand the way she hates him yet loves him so damn much at the same time. 

She thinks that she loves him more than she hates him. She thinks that hating him has just become routine, habit, and that she’s just scared of what happens when she lets go. 

Her theory is proved when Raven bursts into her room one day. They’re closer friends than Octavia is with Clarke, so she’s more at ease when she barges into her room. 

“Hey, Raven. What’s up?” She says, pulling on her boots. 

Raven looks grave; Octavia’s greeting smile slips off her face. 

“You have to come with me right now,” She says. Octavia furrows her eyebrows. 

“Why? What’s happened?” They’ve found peace in the past few months, and she tenses when she thinks that all of that is being thrown away once again. 

“It’s Bellamy. He’s-I don’t know. He’s having a panic attack or something, and we can’t find Clarke anywhere and he’s not calming down so you need to come right now,” She says, urgent, worry thick in her voice. 

Octavia only needs to hear that once. Her instincts force in, and she’s in his room before she even notices she ran the whole way there. 

“Bell?” She says, opening the door. Miller and Monty are already there, huddled around a sweaty, frightened Bellamy. 

He sits, looking at Monty and Miller but not seeing them. He’s in another place, and Octavia moves forward and pushes Monty and Miller away, kneeling down to Bellamy’s eye level and holding his face in her hands. 

“Bell,” She breathes. 

He doesn’t respond, still shaking and sweating and crying and Octavia feels her eyes water.   
“Bell,” She says again, this time more demanding than last. “It’s okay, Bell. You’re fine. I’m here. Clarke’s on her way. You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay.” 

Her voice cracks on the last word, and a single tear falls down her cheek. Bellamy calms down slightly, eyes focusing on her face. He still shakes and cries silently. 

She kisses his forehead, ignoring the salty taste of sweat. He grips her arms, tight, and that’s when Clarke bursts in, looking frantic. 

“Bell?” She says, kneeling beside Octavia. 

Bellamy looks at her, switches his attention to Clarke instead of her. 

Feeling awkward and not needed, she stands up. Taking one last glance at them, Clarke whispering reassurances in Bellamy’s ear, Bellamy crying on her shoulder, she leaves the room, ignoring her friends’ eyes as she passes.

 

 

12\. 

She confronts Clarke later. 

“Why didn’t you tell me that he has frequent panic attacks?” She demands. Clarke glances at her, then goes back to her food. 

“I told you he wasn’t alright.” 

Octavia scoffs. “That’s different from having frequent panic attacks, Clarke.” 

Clarke looks at her, eyebrows raised. “What do you want me to say, huh? It’s not like you care.” 

Octavia feels like screaming. “Of course I fucking care, Clarke! I’m his sister!” 

She freezes, her outburst surprising her. She looks at the ground, eyes watering. 

Clarke walks away. She says one last thing before leaving the room. 

“Then act like it.” 

 

 

13\. 

The wind is cold and harsh against her back, despite the fact that she’s wearing a jacket. Everyone is already inside, and she’s the only one still sitting near the fire pit. Her tears from earlier seem to be frozen on her cheeks. 

She goes back to a time where she and Bellamy were sitting together, reading a hard cover book that she knew he had stolen in order to give to her. 

She was around 9, and even though she could read it herself, she had forced him to do it anyway. He laughed, and sat down on the floor with her. 

It was a mythology book, and she can remember how his face lit up and how he would gesture wildly with his hands. 

“Bell,” She said suddenly, hitting him lightly on the shoulder, “Do different voices like you did last time!” 

He rolled his eyes. “O, come on, that was ridiculous. Let me read it to you normally.” 

She pouted up at him. “Bell, please! It made the book more interesting!”

He frowned, and Octavia decided to use her puppy dog eyes. It only took a few seconds for him to crack. 

“Okay, fine,” He sighed, and she squealed happily. 

He smiled at her. “You’ve got to stop using the eyes, O.” 

She pretended to consider it. “Hmm, since they always get me what I want, I’m gonna have to say no.” 

He laughed, shaking his head and wrapping her in a hug. “You’re too manipulative for your own good.” 

She shrugged. “Maybe, but you wouldn’t change me for the world.” 

“You’re right. I’ll always love you for who you are,” He said. 

“I’ll always love you too, big brother,” She replied, smiling up at him. 

The fire dies out. She decides to let the cold take her. 

 

 

14\. 

It takes her another week for her to finally give in. 

When she does, he’s in his room, and she just bursts in without knocking. 

He’s sitting at his desk; the glasses Clarke had given him perched on his nose. He’s reading The Iliad, and he stands up. He looks at her in surprise and—fear? 

It only takes that look for her to start crying—big, horrible sobs shaking through her body. She runs forward, and wraps her arms around him, tight. He flinches, and that makes her hate herself even more, but he quickly hugs her back. 

They stand there for a long time, Octavia crying for the first time in a while. Bellamy cradles her head, just like he used to; he kisses the top of her head. 

“I’m so sorry,” She breathes into his shoulder, and Bellamy pulls away. He’s crying, too. 

“O, it’s fine,” He says, voice barely above a whisper. She shakes her head, tears falling down her cheeks. 

“No, Bell, it’s not fine. I’ve ignored you and I’ve been mad at you for too long—I punched you when you were chained to a rock, and you didn’t even try to fight back because you thought you deserved it. I beat you until you were covered in blood, I beat you and you still have some scars, I said you were dead to me, I—It’s the farthest from fine, Bell,” She sobs, and she finally looks at his face.

Bellamy smiles down at her, a face full of love for her. She can’t believe she was mad at him for so long. 

She doesn’t deserve him. 

“O, all I care about is that you’re back. Maybe some of the things you did were wrong. Some of the things I did were definitely wrong. But—I’m just happy you’re finally talking to me, okay?” He says, and she nods. 

“I’m still so sorry. I just hope you can forgive me and that I can make it up you,” She replies. 

Bellamy pulls her into another hug. “That’s already done, O. And you can start by coming and eating lunch with me.” 

She laughs, breaking away and nodding. “Of course.” 

He kisses her forehead. “I love you, Octavia. And I always will.”

She smiles. “I love you too, big brother.” 

They walk out of the room, Bellamy’s arm around her shoulder. Octavia is still smiling brightly, and in this short moment, all is right with the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think cause I may write a Bellamy POV with some more Bellarke if I get inspired. Thanks for reading!


End file.
